bid to stop conference impersonations

Fri, Jan 6, 2006

A Weegie Chronicle exlusive! Our roving reporter sobers up to reveal cover up.

From our field reporter Harry McDesperate:

This item, reported on the news, purports to be a ridiculous attempt to stop global warming by preventing cattle from belching.

No matter the creatures have been doing this for thousands and thousands of years, scientists have apparently traced the source of global warming to the front end of a coo.

Apparently the billions of cars, planes, power stations and always on TVs and servers are a red herring. Global warming is actually caused by bovine emissions!

Can this be true? Of course not. It’s probably a cunningly disguised cover up as the clouds of vapour from farms were attracting undue attention from local academics. Noticing the hovering mass of warm, fetid air, the local educational establishments emptied and the interns made their inexorable way towards the towering columns of tropically humid and pungent aromas, thinking a conference had started.

One academic, upon reaching the source of the pheromonic trail, gave the following:

“It were ‘orrible. We were completely fooled. We thought we were going to a conference. When we got here, it was nothing but coos. Hunners of them. Something must be done about this. The nation’s academics can’t be seen to be wasting their time on hot air trails such as this.”

Farmer Giles, upon awaking from his slumbers and pulling open his curtains, in the buff, as is his want of a morning was totally taken aback by the swarming mass of attendees in the farmyard:

“I’ve neever seen the like o’ it. One of them came up to me and asked, ‘where’s the BOF sessions?’. I nearly took me stick to ‘im so I did.”

Another group of academics, crowded round a bemused coo declined to be interviewed.

Rumours are now rife that, to stop further embarrassment to the nation’s conference goers, scientists have shifted the blame for global warming onto cattle. A lurking scientist, observing the academics’ farmyard fumings commented:

“It’s always the quiet ones. Here we are afforesting the country in wind farms and legislating for greater fuel tax and less cars on the road. The ice caps are shrinking to such an extent that polar bears are drowing at sea looking for food and all along the real reason has been under our noses. Bloody coos! And to think these boogers have been doing this for thousands of years. Only one thing to do to save the planet. Plug their mooths.”

Scientists reckon that by adding chemicals to their feed, they can prevent coos belching and allegedly attracting swarms of academics. They also reckon that the methane previously generated will be converted to more efficient growth. How can they tell? Perhaps it will just find another way out. Round the other end of the coo.

Could this rearguard release of vapour create a new breed of academic? Only time will tell.

Harry McDesperate, from a coo farm, somewhere ootside Glesga

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